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[Sep. 4th, 2004|09:55 pm] |
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*peeking around* aww, i miss this journal. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 19th, 2004|01:22 am] |
WHY ARE YOU DEBAUCHING MY SLOTH! STOP! STOP! STOP!
I am going to bed. Now. |
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| "butt pirate of the caribbean" |
[Apr. 18th, 2004|10:37 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  uncomfortable | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | smoooooth folk singer | ] |
funniest thing i've heard in a day or two, at least. although i think i prefer "ass pirate of the caribbean". it sounds more racy.
blah. i haaaaaate applying for things i probably will be rejected for anyway. why do i suck so much. why can't i make a bloody resume. why don't i volunteer more.
so here's the plan. junior year, one semester in copenhagen (yeah biche!) and one semester in williams mystic. kickass. i wish i was a junior already. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 18th, 2004|07:51 pm] |
Today I went to Williams Mystic's open house from 7:45 AM to 7:15 PM. The open house was only four hours but it was beautiful! Beautiful weather, beautiful place, I don't want to wait for junior year to go, I want to go NOW! Two girls I sort of knew, whom I now know better, were on the trip, and Katie's going next semester and Marta's going in the following spring and dude I want to go with them. More on this later if I have time, but if I don't, go to the website and just believe me that it's seriously the coolest place ever.
Oh and Master and Commander comes out on DVD Tuesday, so I'm going to preorder it and if it comes quickly we're going to watch Thursday. Also at one point Katie sort of randomly said, "I think men in drag are hot!" and I hugged her because I was like "dude, you get it!" She's Canadian and loves Kids in the Hall so we're going to have a drag Kids in the Hall/Velvet Goldmine party.
This is a sad song. Poor Newfoundland. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 17th, 2004|07:57 pm] |
Bad things come in threes. I'm tired and have a headache, and I got one of my friends mad at me and then wasn't really sorry so my apology didn't sound sorry, and he left the computer and i don't know how long it's going to be before we resolve this. I really hope we DO resolve it soon. He's too good a friend to lose.
Queer bash is tonight but I feel too shitty to go. I think I'll go for about ten minutes or something, I wouldn't bother at all if I didn't want to wear my awesome salvo dress. I want to sit in my room and read novels and that's it. Or maybe sit around with Katy or Joanna and be cynical and philosophical and silly. |
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| one survey at a time |
[Apr. 16th, 2004|01:22 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  good | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | b&s, dirty dream number two | ] |
As taken from ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) disconscious and others over time, ask me any 3 questions you want in the comments, I'll answer (I'm supposed to answer anything but since I don't know what my limits are, I warn you that they may exist), and then you write an entry saying the same thing so your friends list can ask you stuff. Fun fun.
I'm pretty happy today. It's a gorgeous day, it's a Friday, I had a lovely talk with my mom on the phone (she said, without any prompting or hints from me, that basically she doesn't think I'm a moron...crazy psychic lady), I've finished my exams until finals and my laundry for two weeks, I have great books lying around, and I'm going to Mystic on Sunday. It is not true that you shouldn't be happy if you haven't overcome great suffering, or that you shouldn't be happy if you can think of other equally deserving people who are unhappy. Beautiful days and beautiful feelings don't stick around forever so they should be enjoyed while they last, or you waste them. |
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| random weird thought entry |
[Apr. 15th, 2004|01:16 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | bowie, five years | ] |
In honor of queer pride week, I salute you, Ziggy Stardust.
The line "We've got five years! My brain hurts a lot!" cracks me up.
I'm surprised by how some people think I'm stupid because they're happy or see nothing they can gain from Christianity. I'm not actually surprised, though. I'm just a bit saddened by it. Why isn't it okay to be looking for something different than you are, in a different place than you would look? I don't like feeling as if I have to hide things, especially from my family, whom I can hear rolling their eyes over the phone. (There's pressure from the other side, too, but they're not like family, so it wouldn't feel nearly as strange and embarrassing to just reject Christianity.) This is a fairly private thing and it's not like I talk about it with people other than my roommate really (she's sort of the one who got me started), but when there's something going on that I can't go to because I'm going to Bible study or whatever, it would be weird and stupid to lie or evade the issue. So fuck you, I'll go to church and major in comparative literature if it's good for me, even if you think it's worthless and silly.
Lately I wish nobody from home could find or read this journal because I'm afraid they think I'm stupid over all this, too. Probably nobody reads it at this point...if you do and you think I'm stupid, that makes me really sad.
There's no Russian lit tutorials next year. Allegra and I are sad. I want to take my current professor's Dostoevsky class, though. He's a great professor and he really likes telling us about cultural and historical stuff so I'm sure he'll make it interesting.
We got a decent housing lottery number, 37 out of about 150-160 (we guess) sophomore groups. We'll probably move to Mission, Katie and Allegra really want to stick around the guys from the entry. I could deal with that but I fear that if we can't get into Mission, they'll want to move to Greylock to stay with a lot of the sophomore class. My friends in the odd quad will be all the way across campus, as will most of the class buildings, and frankly I don't give a shit about the rest of the sophomore class. If we end up in Greylock I'll break off from the group and move into the odd quad on my own.
My wall-o-art-nouveau-postcards ringing my Nutcracker poster has been redone. The postcards are all down and now I've got four pictures around the poster, two photographs from St. Petersburg and two copies of Russian fairy tale art. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 15th, 2004|12:58 am] |
I like to tell myself that fear isn't a good reason for anything.
I know that impatience isn't either, though. |
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| Sartre quote |
[Apr. 14th, 2004|10:42 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | look, synchronicity AND irony! | ] |
"If I am not mistaken, if all the signs which have been amassed are precursors of a new overthrow in my life, well then I am terrified. It isn't that my life is rich, or weighty or precious. But I'm afraid of what will be born and take possession of me - and drag me - where? Shall I have to go off again, leaving my research, my book and everything else unfinished? Shall I awake in a few months, in a few years, broken, deceived, in the midst of new ruins? I would like to see the truth clearly before it is too late." |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 12th, 2004|11:56 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | belle & sebastian | ] |
TW called when I was going to debate. I wish I'd talked on the phone instead of going to debate, it was awful, a waste of an hour. I miss TW, too. After that I did more stuff I had to do, now I'm back to study but I really just want to go to sleep or write in my journal. My eyes hurt. It's only midnight, but I haven't slept much lately.
Someone on the college iTunes network has Dear Catastrophe Waitress by Belle & Sebastian. I haven't heard it until now, but I like it. It's odd though, they sound like a lot of other bands somehow. I'm getting thoughts of Beach Boys and Neutral Milk Hotel.
I'm having a sudden emotional backlash because last week I was thinking about the reality of Christianity so seriously. Usually I think about it in an intellectual sense, not a real sense. All of a sudden it seems crazy and out of the ordinary and far removed from my safe, routine, pleasant life. Those things don't sound like bad things on paper, but in my mind they make me think, "Why do I need this, again?" At least I realize it's an emotional reaction more than anything else. I like the safety of my existence, you think I want to jeopardize it by totally changing the basis of my beliefs? I am not the sort of person who can just "accept Jesus into your life NOW!" Besides, I need to do a lot more Bible study before I could possibly do that.
One of my friends asked me to fill out an "anonymous" survey on my sexual habits for his psychology study. (Anonymous is in quotation marks because I'm not sure exactly how the consent form and envelope with survey could be kept totally separate.) I said no. I know it's just a psych survey, and I don't exactly have a lot to hide, but it still just seemed weird.
Things to do beyond regular homework this week:
Plan Thursday meeting
Start work on Russian and Latin projects
Write Ali and Gis
Study oceanography |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 12th, 2004|02:18 pm] |
I have a summer job. I'm going to be a bank teller.
I'm sort of looking forward to it because I'll learn a bit. Also I will have a real 40-hour-a-week job, which is new for me. On the other hand, I am a little sad because I would have liked to get involved with Girl Scouts or the ARC somehow, but I don't know if they have paid positions. On the other other hand, I may possibly, depending on the rate (I have to pick a contractor to work for), save a bit and be able to worry less about money next summer. We'll see.
Last night a friend lured me to the Mad Cow meeting, which is the campus humor magazine, and now I get to test read! I get to use three different colors to highlight things that I think are funny, things I think might be offensive, and things that seriously personally offend me. (The people who write the magazine are people with pretty much no sense of shame, so something they think is silly can be something that horribly offends the stupid oversensitive people around campus; hence test reading.) Hahaha. I can't wait. |
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| on life. |
[Apr. 12th, 2004|12:12 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
At the Girl Scout meeting on Thursday, we wrote ourselves five-rule codes of conduct to try to follow for a week. "Don't complain" is my absolute worst one, I've caught myself complaining or barely holding it in so much that I'm actually a bit embarrassed to realize it. Interesting. (Also, note to self - keep your mouth shut, bitch.)
This evening doesn't seem like the same day as this morning. Since 3:00 it's been your normal Sunday: work study and homework until dinner, random meeting after dinner (this time a Russian movie, which was cool because I could understand a great deal more than I expected, and then helping make an SSJ poster, which was cool because Katy brought fingerpaints), more homework, entry snacks, more homework, voice practice, more homework, bed. This morning was quite different though. Because you know, it's Easter. Devin and I went to a sunrise service on a hill that the school chaplain was leading and after that, at the ancient hour of seven fifteen AM, we went to his house for breakfast.
His house deserves its own paragraph because it is the coolest house ever, it's an old Baptist church that an art professor renovated in the seventies and gave all these staircases and landings. The decoration is absolutely superb, the wall paint is a dark tan and dark red, there are rugs all over and every space is full, but it somehow gives the look of being luxurious in a cozy way instead of in a cluttered or ostentatious way. The windows are church windows, of course. And there's a working bell at the top, which one of us rang at 7:30 :D It was so cool. Apparently he didn't want to move there but there were only 3 houses for sale in town and that was the best. I can't imagine NOT wanting to move into that house, but I guess it had something to do with him being a minister and the thought of living in a church bothered him. Oh man, it was awesome, though.
We were back at the dorm by 8:00 and nobody was awake, which was unusual and lovely. It is beautiful to be awake so early, even if you did it on three hours of sleep (one day of using coffee as a crutch can't hurt too much). We did some laundry and showered before going to church with Katie. I'm not sure what I thought of the Easter service at the church theologically but it was lovely and there were lots of lillies. After that brunch and homework in a very good mood. Then the normal Sunday began again.
My religious mental babbling has reached the point of crazy self-contradicting frenzied worry that I think I'd better to confine it to my paper journal for the meanwhile.
Even if I don't really learn to sing well this semester, I have made a few concrete improvements. I basically feel like I learned to sing loudly AND on key, instead of just one or the other. Unfortunately, I am now unable to sing well quietly; I can do it just as well as I could last semester, but I don't consider that good because I waste too much air and sound weak that way. One thing at a time, I suppose. I have motivation to improve fast now because I have to perform a song at a recital in May and my roommate's agreed to accompany me, so I want to sing as well as I can in rehearsal in front of her. |
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| :) |
[Apr. 11th, 2004|08:39 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | happy | ] |
Happy Easter and happy Sunday to you all! |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 11th, 2004|12:36 am] |
I've babbled a lot here in the last few days, and opened up a lot. If I were not the person I am right now, I would think I were desperate and crazy, but I am that person so I don't. It's a bit embarrassing.
In slightly unrelated affairs, I'm sorry for being an asshole. Honestly I am, I need to shut my mouth.
In completely unrelated affairs, half my entry helped me put fortunes in plastic eggs, and we scattered them around the frosh quad. We are the Williams Easter bunnies. :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 10th, 2004|10:49 pm] |
http://www.genocideevents.com/cities/newyork.shtml
I need to get the nerve to bring this up at Students for Social Justice. April 24 is Armenian Genocide Remembrance Day, and I want to beg for either a bus to the Troy services, or some kind of...thing...here. I'm not sure what, we've already showed Ararat (although I suppose we could do it again) and it's way to late to get a speaker (which would piss off the Turkish kids to no end anyway) and I think it would be weird to stand around with candles like SSJ likes to do. Ideas for something we could put together in a week and a half, because I'm a shameful lazyass? Or should I just wait until next year? Yeah, I think that's a better idea.
Haha, one of the Troy services says "After the movie, "Stepan and his band" will perform a concert of Armenian revolutionary songs for the audience." Um, Armenian revolutionary songs? That worries me a little bit. I'm not quite sure what that phrase means but it could mean something quite bad.
I've got to do some kind of performance project for Russian. I want to either put together some kind of Russian fairy tale medley of stuff from the famous five and Tchaikovsky and Stravinsky with pictures from my cool book and quick summaries, or do a little fairy tale performance of one story to music with a little dialogue. That last one would be fun if people would do it with me, but I sort of doubt anyone would. If they didn't, I'd have to make it a puppet show. A one-man puppet show. Oh my. Dude, I think I'll do that. It'll be sweet. I will have a fairy-tale play with a soundtrack and possibly puppets! Heeee.
Sunrise service tomorrow, 6 AM. Looking forward to that. Also think I'd better apologize for being an asshole soon, I'll look like a lot more of an asshole if I don't or if i try to defend myself and really all I'm worried about is how I look because I'm shallow like that. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 9th, 2004|04:52 pm] |
H.M.S. Surprise might've been the funniest book in the Patrick O'Brian series I've read yet. Out of three, that is. First time I actually got angry at a character, though. Hello, you're a bitch! And Jack said you have courage but you're so cowardly you will even flee to a different continent, bitch!
Must get sleep schedule back to normal. Intended plan for tonight: eat dinner, go to Good Friday service(?), watch Dr. Strangelove or something, and at least get Russian homework out of the way. (I intend to have a more exciting Saturday night.) |
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| ну и неделя! |
[Apr. 9th, 2004|01:00 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | magnetic fields, why i cry | ] |
This has been the most emotionally intense week I've had in awhile. For the first two days I brought all of my social dissatisfaction, academic boredom, overwhelming amounts of work, and bodily discomfort to the forefront of my mind and felt angry, helpless, uncomfortable, overworked like an ant, and displeased with myself.
Then yesterday I had this lovely little moment of clarity in Bible study and felt much lighter and freer and happier, like I could deal with everything and if I hated it it'd be perfectly acceptable to decide otherwise. I started feeling that way when someone quoted some well-known verse about humans being made like empty clay pots. I think I've filled myself up with expectations that I need to succeed in ways that are socially laudable, ways that get me recognition, and that's not the only thing there is to fill myself with at all. How beautiful this freedom is.
Tonight I saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and it was incredibly intense. My tear fountain went on at the first mention of a happy childhood memory that can never be relived, as it tends to do, and didn't go off until the cold of the street hit my face. I look at memories that are so beautiful and so irreplaceable as sad memories because I miss those times so much, but the movie made me think about how they're also the most incredible treasures. They're how I can remember what's beautiful and what's necessary and all of that. Right now I'm feeling grateful and sad and happy and strong, but I also have doubt that I'll keep this sensation for long. I tend to enjoy self-pity too much. Anyway, I highly recommend the movie.
In other news, my Girl Scout troop had its first meeting. The girls are nice and they're friends with each other, so I think this is going to go well. I handed in my short play for drama, which I am quite nervous about, but I also feel brave for it.
I feel like being quiet and having things move around in my mind. I don't feel like talking on instant messenger about it at all. |
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| The Christians are winning me over by being NICE to me! |
[Apr. 8th, 2004|12:24 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | calm | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | chicago, then born slippy | ] |
I went to freshman Bible study today and it was really nice. It made me step away from thoughts of work and recognition and life plans and all that stuff that's been driving me crazy. One girl quoted something that clicked and made me remember something I knew anyway but totally forgot about, which is that academia and midterms and "academic and personal excellence" as recognized by institutions are all these arbitrary, bureaucratic human systems that don't deserve as much import as I give them. We talked about this lady breaking a pitcher of perfume over Jesus's head and Jesus breaking bread for the apostles in a later passage and it made me think about actual religious stuff. I don't really want to say more for other people to read, though.
Now it's time to rewrite that terrible play I wrote last night. I reread the first page, it's really truly terrible. It's embarrassing but I have to hand in something. I'm not so worried about it, though; I was worried about taking two hours off for Bible study but it really made me feel calmer and better. We all need perspective sometimes, however it is we get it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 7th, 2004|10:16 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sick | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | magnetic fields | ] |
It's been a long time since I've written fiction, a couple of years now. I decided to write a short story (which was almost all dialogue, so I turned it into a short play) for my Greek & Roman drama midterm due tomorrow, and I'm not happy with it. The plot's not very original, the dialogue is just recycled, and I'm just trying to reuse a theme from class. There's really not anything interesting in it at all. I will try to do something about this tonight. It's a lot harder than writing a research paper. I forgot about that.
It was interesting because all my brainstorming made me realize the kind of things I am interested in writing about now, though. It's not fantasy anymore. My play, which was basically modeled on the Oresteia, ended up being about Armenian and Turkish bitterness. It's better now than it has been for a century, and luckily my relatives aren't full of hatred as far as I know, but I've heard too many stories of people who are (even people who've lived in the US for years) and it's really sad. I also want to write something set in or relating to Newfoundland, it's a very unique, interesting place with a lot of flavorful culture and history. I don't have ideas yet, though.
I love mint green tea and the Magnetic Fields very much. They make me feel spoiled, and this mint tea is keeping my poor throat from self-destruction this week. Aaah. |
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